Tragedy of Bicurious

Insights from

Dāka Karuṇā दाक करुणा

[caption id="attachment_282" align="aligncenter" width="507"] two surprised guys

Hey! We're not gay! We're bicurious!

Introduction

Under most conditions, a man knows where he wants to be in terms of erotic love and sensuality; he may deny his orientation but he knows deep within what he wants. While I hesitate to teach that anyone is exclusively heterosexual or homosexual, neither do I want to acquiesce to the claims of some that they are perfectly bisexual. What does bother me, rather what irritates me to distraction are the men who come to me, having made important life-cycle decisions, and refer themselves as “bicurious.” I have noted in another article that male, human sexuality is a continuum, and noted that the exclusively male love is similarly very rare in terms of balanced homoeroticism. So, at about the midpoint in this linear representation, we have the fence-sitters, the bisexual, as they like to call themselves. The question is what is this creature calling itself the “bicurious” man. “Bisexual” is the more positive of the two because it at least admits an attraction to both genders, whereas the “bicurious” description, connotes a real confusion of orientation. In principle and in practice, both terms are unfortunate overall, but “bicurious” signals utter confusion, even outright neurosis.

Homoerotic Tantra is an erotospiritual practice and involves the triad of mind, body, and spirit. In order to derive the whole range of benefits from the practices and rituals, you must suspend any form of judgement, you must trust your partner completely, you must be willing to be authentic (genuine and truthful), self-forgetful (leave the ego at the door). You must be willing to surrender to your partner, and accept your responses and reactions with abandonment and freedom. In our homoerotic Tantra session, we will join other esoteric traditions of erotospiritual practices that are conceived to overcome the separation of sacred (spiritual) and profane (physical sexual) love.

This article was inspired by a recent experience I had with a man who wanted to “book a ‘Tantra' session.” His first question was, “How much do you charge.” I immediately knew he didn’t know what he was asking for — or he did. In the first instance, he apparently did not read any of my articles, blogs, or sites. First stupid mistake. Secondly, he was apparently not asking for “Tantra” as we practice it in Homoerotic Tantra℠ and Mascul-IN-Touch℠ , he was actually asking for a neotantra session, an erotic massage, in other words. After a few screening questions, he volunteered the information that he was 24 years old, married — but his wife didn’t know about his interest —, had been with two or three guys already, and was “bicurious.”

Just a couple of red flags, right?

First red flag: My published information clearly states that I do not accept anyone under the age of 30 years old. [Aside: If, on interview, the man is under 30 years old but comes from a background or culture that would prepare him for homoerotic Tantra, I will consider him on a provisional basis.] His speech, his answers, his disclosure all indicated that he might very well be fit for Homoerotic Tantra℠ . The fact that he came from the area of India was certainly a plus in his favor. His age and life experience remained a concern, however.

Second red flag: He was married. Of course, I asked if he was married to a woman. Affirmative. Suspecting he might have married an American woman in order to remain in the country, I popped the question. He married his girlfriend from college. OK. Legit. But the question remained Why? if he were 24, he married, when he had sexuality issues. His answer was unsatisfying: “I’m bicurious.” On further questioning, he revealed some personal details that indicated that he should not be married to a woman, and being “bicurious” was not one of them.
i told my wife

Third red flag:       He was very clear about his wife not finding out what he was doing. My response was a canned response: “Your domestic arrangements are none of my concern. My relationship is with you and no one else. Your participation in the program is confidential, and I do not share information about private śiṣya-s (seekers). If he attends any retreats or workshops, he must assume that he will be seen in public and associated with Homoerotic Tantra℠ or Mascul-IN-Touch℠. Otherwise, I do not discuss him outside of our sessions.” He continued adamant about his wife not finding out, saying “she’s too closed minded and wouldn’t understand.” Really? Your husband is looking for sex with men and thinks tantric practices will do the trick. Why wouldn’t you want your wife to know? The fact that he had mentioned he had had sex with two or three guys already indicated he might have been cruising in the wrong places. That wasn’t a real concern at the time because he needed a great deal more information and education before I would touch him. The first conversation went rather well in terms of his understanding that he was not getting erotic massage from me or sex sessions. I explained that we would use eroticism in some of the practices and rituals but that was not sex for the sake of sex. I explained further than there was a lot to learn and that he had to study and set aside practice time, and that practice time had to be regular.

  Fourth red flag:    In a later conversation, he explained that he had received the screening forms and the initial information, but that he could not complete the forms at home because his wife might see and ask questions. You see, “she’s closed minded.” Oh, right. Sorry, I knew that.

  Fifth red flag:        He also shared that he had limited time: only from about 5:30 to 6:30, and longer if possible, but it depended on what his wife was doing. I told him that my program does not depend on what his wife is doing or on her schedule. One hour was simply not enough. If he wanted me to work with him it would be his responsibility to make his arrangements and then book the time with me. I would need at least 2-3 hours for a complete session, door-to-door. Several conversations later, and having sent him material he was to read before the face-to-face screening meeting, he made the impression of being very interested and eager to start working with me. I told him to cool his jets; that he should take one breath at a time. We scheduled a meeting about three days from the initial inquiry. I suggested a venue that would be convenient for us both, a diner, where we could just chat.
im not gay just bicurious

Sixth red flag: He was concerned that if we met in a public place, his in-laws or a friend might see us together and tell his wife. Could we meet there and just sit in the car to talk. My response was clear: No. If he chooses to life in a prison and live paranoid, I was not going to play that game. Besides, if they saw him sitting in a car in the parking lot with another man, did he think that would be a better impression than sitting in public chatting. Who was this woman he married, anyway? By that time I had had enough and was ready to just tell him that I did not feel he was the material I would be able to work with, and that I would not accept him into Homoerotic Tantra℠ . I felt I had given him enough time and rope but he simply hanged himself way before he had contacted me. I was about ready to text him with my decision when I noticed he had left a couple of texts asking me to confirm the meeting. Since I was going to be in the area of the meeting anyway, I decided to break it to him in person, and just meet him. We met as scheduled and I allowed him to speak freely. I was a bit shocked when he asked if I could suggest somewhere where he could change into his workout clothes, since his wife thought he would be working out, and would “ask questions if he didn’t arrive home in his workout gear.” Case closed. I suggested, if that were the case, he find a gas station and change in the rest room. OMG!

Before telling him I could not accept him as a client, I reviewed several yama-s and niyama-s with him, particularly those that concerned doing no harm, truthfulness, and reality. I told him that he should never deceive or lie about anything, because it could come back with disastrous consequences. I continued that I had serious reservations about his character and maturity. If he were indeed married, why had he married? And if he were married to such a person as the wife he described, how could he live in such an oppressive situation. I told him further that I would not conduct my affairs like a fugitive or a criminal; that was impossible. Nor could I participate in his deceptions. In short, I could not work with him under such conditions. One thing to this guy’s credit: he was tenacious. He asked if we could drop all the spirituality stuff and just be friends with benefits. I couldn’t believe my ears so I asked him to clarify. His answer was no less surprising than his previous statements: “We can meet and have sex.” Then he suggested the coming Saturday, because his wife would be out “apple picking” and there’d be time and a place to meet.

Didn’t he understand a word I had said?

I simply told him to take a couple of days and reflect on what I had said and where he was in all of this. I stated further that he would have to make some concessions, and that he would have to manage his wife; I had no intention of hearing about her or talking about her again. I told him explicitly that any arrangements were his responsibility and that I would block time for a session, appear for the session, celebrate the session, and then discuss the session before leaving. That’s all. I knew this would not be something he could handle but the ball now being in his court, he had no other alternative but to admit is was impossible for us to work together. We left the diner and proceeded to our cars. I accompanied him to his car and he got in and promptly asked for a hug. No problem. He then asked me to kiss him. I refused. He repeated the request, “Just on the cheek, nothing more.” I hugged him again and started for my car. His last words were, “I’ll call you about Saturday.” I waved without turning around.
bicurious dont do drugs sweat

He texted me that evening with a couple of provocative statements: “I want to talk to you dirty” and “I want to f**k you when we meet next time.” I told him to think about what I had said at our meeting. Two days later, I received a text: “I thought long and hard about this. I don’t want this relationship and I don’t want to commit adultery. I’m sorry. This has nothing to do with you but I just don’t want to be an unfaithful husband to my wife.” A bit late for that, I’d say. So, that is the story of a young “bicurious” man, who is between a rock and a hard place: he does not want to be unfaithful but wants sex with men. That’s reasonable, isn’t it? He doesn’t want a structured “relationship” that requires openness because his wife might find out and “not understand.” Reasonable? Why not? Makes sense if you’re bicurious, I suppose. But again, he was missing the point: It had everything to do with me. I refused to participate in his deceptions and his paranoia. I would not, could not accept him as a client because he was violating just about every ethical and behavioral principle ever taught! To have accepted him and his lifestyle would have made me a hypocrite of the worst sort.

One can only hope that my “bicurious” friend is sincere in the statement that he did not want to be unfaithful to his wife. Perhaps. But my gut feeling is that he will continue deceiving himself and his wife, and continue his casual trysts with men until he’s found out, beat up, arrested, or worse. That’s the tragedy of such situations but they are not uncommon at all. The young man’s toxic cultural conditioning has made him a paranoid, a sneak, and a liar. He’s doing nothing less than ruining his life and his character. He reached out because he felt he needed some outlet to express his true nature but circumstances and challenges he was unwilling to resolve set him back. I can only hope that my mini-lectures and pep talks might have awakened him to some of the issues obstructing his path to self-awareness and self-realization. One can only hope.
lessons learned.jpg

This encounter was perhaps instructional for us both. For the young man, he received what I would hope was valuable counsel, and a second person’s insights about what he was, what he was doing, and what he might become. For me personally, it awakened me to the fact that such men are out there and pursue an alterego in the shadows, without making the call as this young man did. The incident also served to remind me of the many courageous and outspoken gay men who, like Jean Paul Sartre, Jean Genet, to name two particularly highly visible gay men who hurled their complaint against homophobic society right into their readers’ laps, and accused them for anything evil they made of homosexuality. Indeed, writers like Hoshang Merchant, India’s most outspoken gay poet. This experience taught yet another lesson: The young man, despite coming from a culture that shared in the birth of traditional yogic Tantra fell into the evil spell of neotantra and the promise of easy “sacred” sex. There are several practitioners in my area who offer “tantric massage,” and as I explained to my young friend, they are masseurs who do erotic massage, nothing to do with Tantra, at all, and they know nothing about yoga philosophy or Tantra science. You book time, you arrive, hand over your credit card, lie on the table, get poked in the right spot, jerked in the right place, spew, clean up, and leave. Tantra? The take-home is this: Western culture has done a stellar job of creating a population of psychospiritual nut cases, men who are desperately seeking to become whole, to become awakened to their true selves, to express their true nature. Regrettably, they have acquiesced to being imprisoned rather than traveling the warrior path to liberation. The result is the tragedy of a young man who did what society expected him to do and now is paying the tragic consequences for his acquiescence: he lives a doubly deceitful life in a state of paranoia. He risks tragic outcomes. One of those tragic outcomes is that, if he continues on his current path, he will also do harm to his wife, an innocent bystander. Quite frankly, it is not inconceivable that he may have demonized her in order to spare his own ego the pain of admitting what he is. That is the epitome of irresponsibility. gay daka karuna william homerotic practitioner w VAM

gay daka karuna william homerotic practitioner w VAM

Epilogue

One of my principles is establish rules and routines and stick to them. This is one example of how easy it is to forget professional ethics and get too involved in a case. know the rules corkboard

I publish information on every aspect of my practice. Principle: Keep the potential client and the established client as well informed as possible.
I publish educational material about what Homoerotic Tantra℠ and Mascul-IN-Touch℠ is all about. Principle: Educate. Educate. Educate.
I publish a rather comprehensive Code of Conduct. Principle: Ethics and behavior can be pitfalls. Remind the client and constantly remind yourself of your boundaries.
I provide extensive introductory information to men inquiring about my programs. Principle: Be up front on everything: what you do, how you do it, what you don’t do.
I provide more than 40 written sādhanā exercises for clients on both solo-cultivation and dual-cultivation as well as preparations for sessions and rituals.
I do preliminary screening by telephone. Principle: Don’t waste his time and don’t let him waste my time.
The preliminary screening is followed up with a face-to-face screening meeting. Principle: Vet the facts and vet the client.
Communicate and provide feedback and guidance. Principle: If I accept a client, I need to curate the client.
Limit self-disclosure. Principle: Keep focused on the nature of the relationship; I do not allow excessive self-disclosure by the client, and I avoid excessive self-disclosure on my part.
Don’t mix business with pleasure. Principle: Keep the relationship strictly within the session block.

It’s not enough just to know the rules. We must be always vigilant and always aware of the many ways people will manipulate someone to get what he wants. Sometimes the manipulation is very subtle, while at other times it’s glaringly conspicuous. At other times it can be thinly disguised in genuine or pretended naïveté. As a psychospiritual care provider, teacher, educator, dāka, and scholar, but most importantly as a leader and a professional, it is my obligation and duty to be vigilant. But as a human being, my watch can falter, I might miss some cues. Whatever the situation, if some important cues do get missed, I must remember to practice what I preach and teach: “You will make mistakes. You will fail. You will suffer. Forgive yourself and move on.” yoga chest folded hands